Holly Madison is speaking her truth.
The former Playboy model confessed that her experience living at Hugh Hefner’s mansion at the young age of 21 left her “traumatized.”
Having been Hefner’s girlfriend from 2001 to 2008, Madison, now 43, said that her appearance was constantly being scrutinized, making her “self-conscious” about her body.
“I would definitely say that living in the mansion created a body dysmorphia for me, because I was always kind of wondering what’s wrong with me,” Madison shared with PEOPLE.
“[Hugh] had a way of making me feel like I wasn’t pretty enough, and I would look around to everybody else and constantly be wondering, ‘What’s so different about them, and why are they so much better?'”
Body dysmorphic disorder is a mental health disorder in which people perceive contorted versions of their actual physical features, which can lead to a desire for numerous cosmetic procedures and obsessive behaviors to “fix” the perceived defects, according to the Mayo Clinic.
Madison admitted at the time that her mind was consistently clouded with thoughts on how she could change her appearance and “look better.” She went on to have plastic surgery, including a nose job and a breast augmentation.
“When I look at what the typical Playboy bunny looks like with the blonde hair and big boobs, I always wanted to look like that. That was just something I would see, and it would resonate with me, and it wasn’t to impress any certain person,” Madison explained.
“I just wanted to look like that, and that’s what attracted me to the Playboy brand in the first place.”
“I could be looking like a plastic surgery nightmare right now!” Madison said. “Because it was just constantly me wondering, ‘What’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with me?'”
She previously exposed “the dark side of Playboy” in her 2016 memoir, “Down the Rabbit Hole,” where she alleged years of verbal and emotional abuse.
Fast-forwarding to the present day, Madison is keeping busy with her “Girls Next Level” podcast, co-hosted with former Playboy Bunny Bridget Marquardt. She additionally enjoys working on true-crime shows.